Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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