Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
