I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
