Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
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Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
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My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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