If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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