I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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