so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
