if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
