My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
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Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
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THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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