A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
