When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
