the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
