True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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