I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
