he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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