I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He passed out mid-signature
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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