the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
