last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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