you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
