I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
