made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
