happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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