I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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