i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
