you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
