Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
