Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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