I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
