The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
