What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
