I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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