I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
