I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
