I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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