I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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