Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
