He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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