are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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