I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
