This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
