I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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