I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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