I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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