btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
