Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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