Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
