You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
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She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
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I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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