Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
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You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
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What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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