i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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