I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
