Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
