No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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