Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
