I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
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I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
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My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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