mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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