I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
